QE2

A tale of dimensions and miscommunication

source: http://www.qe2.org.uk/

When they built the QE2

we did it at school.

Mr Higham

taught us all how long it was.

He said it was about

three miles long

from proud to sternum

or something

and we all had to go up the road

and stand

and be markers

and count all the

ten yards that would make up the three miles

or however long it was.

I was seven ten yardses

up from the school gate.

So I was standing there

and some people were left standing

being only two ten

yardses -

or three ten yardses -

they were really close to the gate.

Then everybody else

went round the

corner

to be two hundred

and fifty yards

or three hundred and ninety yards
and things.

And it all went very quiet.

For quite a long time.

I said to sixty yards

that it was boring.

He said it was too.

Fifty yards said he

needed to go toilet.

We stood there for ages

and you could hear all the others

a long way off

having

great fun

being

three hundred and seventy yards

and such.

Then after a long time

Paul Louth came running back

down

from around

the corner.

We got right to the post box -

he said.

But we’ve finished

so we can go back and have playtime.

So sixty ran off

back to the playground

and

fifty ran off

back to the toilets.

And so I ran off -

back to the classroom -

to get my marbles.

But Mr Higham

came breathing right down

low and hot

into my ear

just as I was

walking down the path

by the church.

I could smell his pipe.

His hand was as big as a bookcase.

It grabbed my elbow.

Where was I going

did he tell me I could go

one more thing like this and he was onto me

I should mark his words

just one more thing

he would not have anyone

making muckery of his lessons

did I understand.

I told him I did.

But I didn’t.

What is ‘muckery’?

I’ve never done it.

Later that afternoon

when I had done the picture of

the Police Cadet In His Uniform

I called Mr Higham

‘Dad’

by mistake.

My face went hot.

Everyone laughed.

Except Mark Donovan

who had come to school

with pink nail varnish on his fingers.

He had spilled it

but Mr Higham

told him he must have done it on purpose

because he was a girl.