Trouble's Brewin'

My mother told me that I was the result of a row subsequent to an incident similar to the one outlined below.  She got me and a new washing machine.  But they weren't Sheffield folk and so this is purely imagined...

Fatther, Fatther,

What’s that on tha collar?

Muther, Muther

What does tha mean?

Fatther, Fatther,

What’s that mark on tha collar?

Muther, Muther

What has tha seen?

Tha knows what Ah’ve seen!

Ah knows what tha’ve been doin'.

Tha knows trouble’s brewing

‘cause Ah knows where tha’ve been!

Ah’ve just been downt’ road

t’ sup down a jar

like alluz Ah do

on a Saterdy neet.

Come on then out wi’ it

who was’t behind bar?

and don’t think o’ lying

‘cause you’re in th’ hotseat!

Ah never would lie,

oh my duckie, my cherub,

tha knows that a never could lie to you.

It were Malcolm and Raymond

and old Missis Flynn

and me an’ old Fred just had one jar - well, two.

Then how did tha get bright red stain

on tha collar?

And how come yer stinkin’ of Lavender Blue?

And how come yer breath smells of Woodbines and whisky

Tha said tha’d give them up if Ah did!

That’s true… Forgive me, me dahlin’,

forgive me, me sweetheart

forgive yer ol’ fella – tha knows that A’m weak

And as for the stain, I helped Joan with her shopping

and she give me one little peck on the cheek!

Nah don’t give me that!  Ah can tell when yer lyin’

It’s as plain as th’ nose right in front of me face.

Tha’ve been out gallivantin’ – no, Ah ’aven’t been spying

Th’ evidence is plain, it’s an open shut case!

Ah sweetheart, Ah’m sorry – tha knows it means nothin’

Tha knows Ah would never do owt to hurt you.

Ah’m a fool an’ Ah know it.

Ah don’t mean to blow it.

So please let’s get through it,

tell me, what shall Ah do?

What shall tha do?  There’s not much tha can!

My Muther was reet I should never have stooped.

Marry in haste and yer life goes to waste!

That’s what she said, ay, Ah think Ah’ve been duped!

So tha wants me forgiveness - tha wants to make up,

well there’s only one thing that will set things in order.

So fust thing tomorrer tha grabs tha cheque book

Get thi’sen down to Cole’s and buy me that front loader!

Buy Egg Yolk & Blue Biro here