Trouble's Brewin'

My mother told me that I was the result of a row subsequent to an incident similar to the one outlined below.  She got me and a new washing machine.  But they weren't Sheffield folk and so this is purely imagined...

Fatther, Fatther,

What’s that on tha collar?

Muther, Muther

What does tha mean?

Fatther, Fatther,

What’s that mark on tha collar?

Muther, Muther

What has tha seen?

Tha knows what Ah’ve seen!

Ah knows what tha’ve been doin'.

Tha knows trouble’s brewing

‘cause Ah knows where tha’ve been!

Ah’ve just been downt’ road

t’ sup down a jar

like alluz Ah do

on a Saterdy neet.

Come on then out wi’ it

who was’t behind bar?

and don’t think o’ lying

‘cause you’re in th’ hotseat!

Ah never would lie,

oh my duckie, my cherub,

tha knows that a never could lie to you.

It were Malcolm and Raymond

and old Missis Flynn

and me an’ old Fred just had one jar - well, two.

Then how did tha get bright red stain

on tha collar?

And how come yer stinkin’ of Lavender Blue?

And how come yer breath smells of Woodbines and whisky

Tha said tha’d give them up if Ah did!

That’s true… Forgive me, me dahlin’,

forgive me, me sweetheart

forgive yer ol’ fella – tha knows that A’m weak

And as for the stain, I helped Joan with her shopping

and she give me one little peck on the cheek!

Nah don’t give me that!  Ah can tell when yer lyin’

It’s as plain as th’ nose right in front of me face.

Tha’ve been out gallivantin’ – no, Ah ’aven’t been spying

Th’ evidence is plain, it’s an open shut case!

Ah sweetheart, Ah’m sorry – tha knows it means nothin’

Tha knows Ah would never do owt to hurt you.

Ah’m a fool an’ Ah know it.

Ah don’t mean to blow it.

So please let’s get through it,

tell me, what shall Ah do?

What shall tha do?  There’s not much tha can!

My Muther was reet I should never have stooped.

Marry in haste and yer life goes to waste!

That’s what she said, ay, Ah think Ah’ve been duped!

So tha wants me forgiveness - tha wants to make up,

well there’s only one thing that will set things in order.

So fust thing tomorrer tha grabs tha cheque book

Get thi’sen down to Cole’s and buy me that front loader!

Buy Egg Yolk & Blue Biro here

#twitterings

Twitter offers lots of opportunities for working your creative muscle in small ways.  Various tweeters have established prompts and hashtags to inspire short micropoems and microstories.  On twitter search for hashtags #LossLit #HeartSoup #wordchimes #MSpoetry and plenty more for a rich compendium of tasty little poetic titbits.

These are some of mine:

#trance

Stood in a trance

at a busstop

I realised

my vacant gaze

had fallen

on a young woman

who was slowly

and deliberately

exposing her midriff

#capturedpoets

#JoyofDays

We shared the sunlit

joy of days

but unaccustomed

to its rays

you left

& have become

the Gothic author

of my sleepless

dreams

#RavensVeil

#climbintome

Climb into me she said 

but the ladder 

I had made 

from flowers 

& words 

& feathers 

was far too fragile 

and crumbled beneath me  

#stone

Stone-eyed children

 wander these dark streets

to sleep on 

granite pillows 

soaked by tears and rain.

#underwater

It’s only as I’m

drowning here

eyes and nose

full of sudden wet sorrow

that I can hear

the mermaids sing

#lists

With sharpie

she listed my patent faults

a post-it on the fridge.

I grated my fingernails

down the black

memoboard

on the door -

There’s another,

she said.

#snapdragon

You seem to follow

the snapdragon path

cleared by your

acerbic mother:

you, the bud

she, the wilting flower.

#petals

Hey,

don’t love me like petals:

they unfurl,

they curl,

they drop.

Love me like

pine needles –

fresh, scintillating,

evergreen.

#myfavouritelie

How will you love me?

What colour, your sigh?

You’ll be my what

that will never die?

Of all of yours

this is

my favourite lie.

#Dusted cocoa

1

Dusted cocoa,

Demerara sugar,

I’ll meet you in the middle.

you,

me -

crunchy,

sweet.

2

so we did the kitchen

in

dusted cocoa

but as Ben said

paint would have been cheaper

3

...and then dredge

with dusted cocoa

for that final decadent flourish.

Now lick.

#black satin

To thumping Clubland rhythms,

you dance out your pain

black satin and lace,

all hips and face,

you're beautiful,

Granddad.

#sudden glow

there was no

sudden glow

just an

undertow

dragging me into

this pool

of wine

Top Cats

Holly and Willow the cats,
Have found a wormhole in the slats.
They creep through and hide
Till the turn of the tide
And come home sporting boaters and spats.

#kiss

You want to what?

Kiss me?

Ok... Whatevs,

fill yer boots.

No tongues!

#quills

Grandma kept geese;

took goosedown and thread

to a quilling bee.

Wasn't it just a typo?

Nope. 

Now she keeps her pinions to herself.

#Universal Process

Un-likely as it may seem

I’ve never

r-eally doubted

Sal-ly was a

pro-fessional prin-

cess

Made in Heaven

Continuing a long tradition of bouncy little list poems...

Brown bread and boiled eggs,

White bread and ham,

Baked potato, grated cheese

Clotted cream and Jam

Sardines on wholemeal toast

Christmas cake and cheese

Cauliflower and white sauce

Sweetcorn, butter, peas.

Mushrooms with garlic

Parsley sauce and fish,

Cheap as chips and ketchup

Butter in a dish.

Jersey Royals & baked beans

Sausages & mustard

Mince pies, brandy butter

Apple pie & custard.

Sunday roast & gravy

Dumplings in a stew

Pancakes & ice cream

Me with you.