Mum Said

I

Mum said

“Old Mrs McGinty’s dead

- how did she die?

Nod in her head…

Old Mrs McGinty’s dead

- how did she die?

Nod in her head, wink in her eye!”

The man

down the road

showed Mum his willy

from his bedroom window

when she was on the way to Wanstead Flats –

She was eight.

She was scared.

He winked,

but she didn’t tell anyone.

Mum said

when she was young

she thought

there were men, women and nuns,

and nuns went around

on wheels

under their long black dresses

– and that was a bad habit.

Mum said

When she was at boarding school

during the war

she used to eat soap

to make herself sick

so she could have a day in bed

- but it never worked.

And at dinner time she used to put

the fat from her meat

up her knickerleg

so she wouldn’t have to eat it.

And during

the War

she had to learn

how to fold toilet paper

so she could wipe

again and again

with the same piece.

And she said

that she wrote off

and got a signed photograph

of Gregory Peck.

She loved Gregory Peck

and wanted to marry him.

But the nuns took Gregory Peck away

and tore him up.

And Mum said

one of her friends at school

was her cousin

and she was called

Ursula Mary Brock

which meant

She-bear-bitter-badger

and one was called

BCM

which meant

Big Country Mary

but I don’t know why.

But the best of her friends

was Auntie Mon.

And they always called Mum

‘Tiddler’

because she was small,

and that’s why all our cousins called her

‘Auntie Tid’

even though by then

her legs were thick as tree trunks.

So Mum said.

“Old Mrs McGinty’s dead

- how did she die?

Nod in her head…”

II

Mum said

she saw the curtains burning

in a house

as she walked down

Woodcote Road.

She said

she thought the owners must know

so she didn’t bother to tell them.

And Mum said

she had danced with Mr Waverley

– Mr Waverley from The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

– but not with Napoleon Solo,

or even Ilya Kuriakin.

And one time

when she had gone to a dance

with some friends

a young man noticed the wet patches

under Mum’s arms

while he was dancing with her

and he said:

“Coo – you sweat a lot, don’t you!?”

which put her off a bit.

And she said

she and

Dad

had had

Tea

with

the Queen Mother

– but not in her house.

You had to have good manners

and not put the elbows on the table.

III

Mum said

she thought

she had just

happened to be born a child

– that was just what she was,

not a man,

or a woman

or a nun.

And because they were all children

Dom and Jack

poured

methylated spirits

onto Mum’s doll’s house

and set it on fire

– with a Swan Vesta –

and Mum got very upset

but of course it didn’t burn.

And once

she crept through

into the neighbour’s garden

and did a poo in the bushes.

And she said

one time

because they were all children

they had all sneaked through

into the neighbour’s garden

for a dare

and then the neighbour had come

and all the others had run away

and left Mum

who was too little to run

to face the neighbour

all on her own.

And Mum said

Uncle Jack

used to say

“Comment-allez votre Bum?”

And when he had swallowed a pin

he had to go to hospital

and they fed him cotton wool

to stop the pin sticking inside him

in his stomach.

“How did she die?

Nod in her head, wink in her eye!”

IV

And Mum said

great-great-granddad

was an Alsatian

and his family name was

Dreyer.

So, in Alsace,

where they spoke German,

they called him Herr Dreyer

– but I don’t think he was a barber.

Mum said

that

great-great-uncle Somebody

lived in Russia

and kept a circus

and was finally

done-to-death

by a yak.

Cousin Stella said he was gnawed by a gnu

but I don’t think that can be right.

And Mum said

that there was an ancient Spanish cousin

who did an act with snakes

and it was charming.

And somebody else

was so tall

they fitted into the

Guinness Book of Records.

Because gnus don’t gnaw

and they don’t live in Russia.

And Mum said

Granddad

electrocuted

the East coast Railway Line –

it was his job,

and he got paid

a thousand pounds a year

but he died before I was born

because he had smoked too many cigarettes.

And Uncle Dom

put his foot through the ceiling

while he was fixing the electrics

in the loft.

And Uncle Jack

got a tattoo

of an anchor

on his arm

when he was in the Navy Blue,

like Popeye,

but afterwards he felt stupid

so he would never

take off his shirt on the beach.

And they all sang

“Old Mrs McGinty’s dead

– how did she die?

Nod in her head…

Old Mrs McGinty’s dead

– how did she die?

Nod in her head, wink in her eye!”

V

And Mum said

of all her best friends

her best friend was

Auntie Monica

who was her sister

and who she loved better

than anyone.

And they were fiends –

the very best of fiends.

And they looked after each other

and called each other Feenie.

And when they got older

one Feenie bought

a birthday card

which said:

“Happy Birthday

to a real

(excuse the nasty word)

OLD

friend!”

And she wrote in it

“To Feenie

love

Feenie.”

And she sent it to the other Feenie.

Then

when it was the first Feenie’s birthday

the other Feenie

sent it back to the

first Feenie.

And it got sent

backwards and forwards

from Feenie to Feenie

until it fell down the back of the fireplace

in Tall Elms.

VI

And Mum said

Nana

had arthritis

and she lived in bed

and moaned

and would not have any one to feed her

in case they tried to scrape

Rice Krispies up her chin

with a spoon

and put them in her mouth

like they do with babies –

she wouldn’t have that.

And Mum said

that even though Nana could hardly walk

she got up

the day before she died

and tried to do the ironing

and the housework.

And afterwards

everyone looked at each other

and said:

“She must have known,”

and

“She didn’t want to leave things in a mess.”

And Mum said

that after Nana had died

Mum was traveling on the upstairs

of a bus

and she looked out the window

and there was Nana

sitting on a bench

on the Leytonstone High Road –

just along from Bearmans.

“Old Mrs McGinty’s dead

- how did she die?

Nod in her head…

Old Mrs McGinty’s dead

- how did she die?

Nod in her head, wink in her eye!”

VII

And Mum said

When she first met Dad

she wrote a thing in her diary

and this is the thing:

“Met a Ron – with a car,”

because it was unusual

in those days.

And the Ron took

her out to do

kissing in the car,

and

when they’d finished

and wiped their mouths,

the Ron started the car

to drive home

but when the headlights went on

there were a great lot

of rabbits

all sitting around on the grass.

And Mum thought it was a sign

because she was a Catholic.

VIII

She was an old, old, old, old lady.

And her eyes were a misty blue.

and she never said “yes”, and she never said “no”

all she said was

“I love you!”

When Mum was in her hospital bed

and it was my last time

she said,

“It’ll be all right.”

And she looked so old,

though everyone said

she was still so young,

and it seemed like there was

only one thing she could do.

So she had a cup of tea

from a baby blue beaker

with a spout

and then she went to sleep

and we all went home.

But we stopped

in a lay-by

and had the deepest of cries

with rain crawling down the window.

And Dad turned around

in the car

and tried to hug us all

at the same time.

Then in the morning

very early

she died.

They

telephoned

to tell us

and I ran upstairs to tell Kate.

And afterwards

I knew that Mum was right –

it was all right

because

she didn’t get stuck –

dying –

at least I don’t think she did –

she didn’t try to come back.

And Dad and Kate

went to get her stuff

because she didn’t need it anymore.

“Old Mrs McGinty’s dead

- how did she die?

Nod in her head…

Old Mrs McGinty’s dead

- how did she die?

Nod in her head, wink in her eye!”

*

I look out of the bus window

from the upstairs

and I often do see her

out of the corner of my eye,

but then when I look properly

she turns into someone else.

*

And Auntie Joyce said

that when we were camping at Daccombe

Mum said to her

when they were walking in the lane

that she just hoped

we would be old enough

to remember her

even if she died.

And then she did,

and I do

and I remember all the things

Mum said.

August 2005