Absolutely Anything Achieved

My dear wife came across an advert for this company in the Big Issue - it seemed such a bizarre advert that she looked a little further and found their website.  This is my imaginary prospectus for the company and I hereby offer every possible disclaimer - it in no way reflects their actual services, and is not my endorsement of them as a company!

Absolutely Anything Achieved

Absolutely Anything Achieved -

just ask and this will be the case,

for there is nothing we won't undertake

and nothing we are unable to complete.

Should you need aid, assistance or advice,

should you require a helping hand or two,

we are available at a reasonable price

(subject to what we're asked to do.)

Absolutely Anything Achieved -

(within the bounds of law) just make demand.

There is no job too large or yet too small

that cannot be accomplished by our talented team.

There is no task that we will not address:

we can find your long-lost lover, cousin, son;

we can decorate your bathroom; paint your stairs;

or sell your company and, thus, release your funds.

We'll dot your tees and cross your eyes, of course,

and sort the details of your mother's will.

We'll fix the boundary dispute with the 'friend'

who lives next door, or we'll 'help' him move.

For gardening jobs we are happily engaged.

A chauffeur can be prearranged.

Need a bread oven in your granny flat?

No problem, let us draw up all the plans.

Fulfilling requests for vinegary pickled eggs

is a speciality in which we quite excel,

and sourcing other picas for the young

expectant mother can be done as well.

We'll ensure your acrimonious divorce

is hassle-free from start to sour end,

and we offer our cast-iron guarantee

that you will not be beaten in the settlement.

Do not despair if you should need to know

the value of your dying grandma's ring,

or we could arrange for you to go

and meet almost any player from the premier league.

A request that quite frequently recurs

is the acquisition, at a suitable price,

of a peerage, baronetcy, earldom, or the deeds

of some reknowned estate within the British Isles.

No problem there.  And did you see the news

of our great success in finding for Miss C____

a rare recording of Paul Robeson singing

all the greatest hits of Booker T?

Which brings us to the matter of our fee.

You'll find the trickier jobs may cost a little more

but please do not be too afraid to ask -

there is no obligation if you are too poor.

We sense you're wondering if there is a catch.

Do our services seem too good to be true?

a little over-ambitious in your eyes,

well,

yes, maybe in ours, too.

the last blackberries

am out too late again this year and all that’s left

are gritty on the vine, some bleeding under

clumsy thumbs, some bullet red, some green

some sourly shaded from the autumn sun

I pick a handful, two, just for the sake

of other more refulgent times and roll

them in this optimistic tub, where bruising stains

cloud plastic sides and maggots mouth their fill

more berries here but just at dog piss height

so left by others and by me and those

above protected by tall grey nettle shoots

that catch the fingers as the hand withdraws

then through the wood to see the tree that once

I fancied held my mother’s breath in sun,

where once I stood my hand held still against

the bark, and dumbly wept her loss again – again

Snap

The garden gate is new

and unfamiliar toys

stake claim to the lawn

some new flop-haired child’s tricycle

some other one’s ball

there are people living

in the place now

that I do not know

and although

I once inhabited

the ground they squat upon

knew every inch of hedgerow

I am a stranger now

and the kitchen cupboards

glimpsed through cupped hands

against the glass

are of a new design, soft closing

and where the cutlery drawer once was

it is not now

and where it was not

it now is

I imagine

I stand at the bedroom window

on the upper floor once more

and feel the tense twine that attaches me

to every item in the room

and every tree in the garden

snap