My dear wife came across an advert for this company in the Big Issue - it seemed such a bizarre advert that she looked a little further and found their website. This is my imaginary prospectus for the company and I hereby offer every possible disclaimer - it in no way reflects their actual services, and is not my endorsement of them as a company!
Absolutely Anything Achieved -
Absolutely Anything Achieved |
Absolutely Anything Achieved -
just
ask and this will be the case,
for
there is nothing we won't undertake
and
nothing we are unable to complete.
Should
you need aid, assistance or advice,
should
you require a helping hand or two,
we are
available at a reasonable price
(subject
to what we're asked to do.)
Absolutely
Anything Achieved -
(within
the bounds of law) just make demand.
There
is no job too large or yet too small
that
cannot be accomplished by our talented team.
There
is no task that we will not address:
we can
find your long-lost lover, cousin, son;
we can
decorate your bathroom; paint your stairs;
or
sell your company and, thus, release your funds.
We'll
dot your tees and cross your eyes, of course,
and
sort the details of your mother's will.
We'll
fix the boundary dispute with the 'friend'
who
lives next door, or we'll 'help' him move.
For
gardening jobs we are happily engaged.
A
chauffeur can be prearranged.
Need a
bread oven in your granny flat?
No
problem, let us draw up all the plans.
Fulfilling
requests for vinegary pickled eggs
is a
speciality in which we quite excel,
and
sourcing other picas for the young
expectant
mother can be done as well.
We'll
ensure your acrimonious divorce
is
hassle-free from start to sour end,
and we
offer our cast-iron guarantee
that
you will not be beaten in the settlement.
Do not
despair if you should need to know
the
value of your dying grandma's ring,
or we
could arrange for you to go
and
meet almost any player from the premier league.
A
request that quite frequently recurs
is the
acquisition, at a suitable price,
of a
peerage, baronetcy, earldom, or the deeds
of
some reknowned estate within the British Isles.
No
problem there. And did you see the news
of our
great success in finding for Miss C____
a rare
recording of Paul Robeson singing
all
the greatest hits of Booker T?
Which
brings us to the matter of our fee.
You'll
find the trickier jobs may cost a little more
but
please do not be too afraid to ask -
there
is no obligation if you are too poor.
We
sense you're wondering if there is a catch.
Do our
services seem too good to be true?
a
little over-ambitious in your eyes,
well,
yes,
maybe in ours, too.
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